Overheard at the NBA Offices

"Mr. Stern, there’s a Mr. Bennett on line 2 for you."

DS: Okay, thank you, Andrea, I’ll take the call.

DS: Hello, Clay, how are things in Oklahoma City today?

CB: Well, that’s not why I’m calling, David. This situation in Seattle is startin’ to go sideways a little bit. You told me when I bought this team that we’d have smooth sailin’, and now it looks like that female governor is startin’ to change her mind.

DS: Clay, Clay, Clay. Don’t worry, it will all work out in the end.

CB: Now see here, Stern, I didn’t spend $350 million of wife’s father’s hard-earned money just to live half the year in that hippie-infested rainforest. You told me that those people were a bunch of whiny liberals that would never approve a new stadium. So long as I played like I was goin’ to try to get a new arena there, you’d back me up about movin’ to Oklahoma.

DS: Yes, well, things have changed a bit now. Perhaps an alternative arrangement will have to be made, but don’t worry, I have a myriad of possibilities lined up.

CB: I don’t want other possibilities, I want this team and I want it in Oklahoma. Now are you going to back me or aren’t you?

DS: Now, Clay, I advise you not to get so agitated. After all, with the Board of Governors meeting coming up in a few weeks, I believe it is in your best interests to keep a civil tone in these proceedings.

CB: Now what the hell does that mean, Stern? Are you tellin’ me you all are thinkin’ about denying me from movin’ this team to Oklahoma?

DS: Not exactly, Clay. Perhaps the best resolution to this scenario is a franchise swap, yes? Michael in Memphis is quite fed up with the franchise there, and he and I have spoken at length about the possibility of you taking over his team, and moving it to Oklahoma. It’s really not a concern.

CB: Excuse me? You tellin’ me I’m givin’ up that Durant fella, my boy Sam, PJ, and all those draft picks, and in return I get the gol’ darn Grizzlies? That doesn’t sound like much of a fair swap to me, Stern!

DS: Ah, Clay, well perhaps you would rather I deny the franchise relocation, force you to sell, and leave Oklahoma City with no team altogether? I’m sure we could arrange a D-League team to play at your new arena.

CB: Now wait just a cotton pickin’ minute. Why am I gettin’ the feeling I’ve been used? Now see here, Stern, did you just get me to buy this team so you could trick Seattle into building a new arena?

DS: Now, Clay, I would never trick anyone. If you buying the team forced Seattle into doing what I wanted them to do all along, while simultaneously giving me a new arena in another town which I can now use as leverage against the next city which defies the NBA, well, what’s wrong with that?

CB: You dirty little halfpint. I can’t believe I got suckered in. I knew I should have dealt with them hockey folks. At least you know where they’re comin’ from. Now what about my money? Am I goin’ to get my $350 million back? Well?

DS: I’m sorry, Clay, but I have to take another call.